I have always been a proud person and never liked admitting my weaknesses.
But lately I’ve been realizing that i am suffering from anxiety.It started years ago with just small stress and panic attacks ,And I mean I would stress over anything and panic and feel like the world is coming to an end. I noticed something is wrong when I could see how other people were calm over a situation and i would be in a panic state. I was annoyed and wondering why aren’t those people stressing out ? Shouldn’t they be? And why am I over reacting this way? Could it just be me being a drama queen?
And now in my 20’s I’ve noticed my stress getting worse during my studies.
I am an Opera student in a foreign country (As if that’s not stressful and scary enough),And I find myself panicking by just attending college.During the first semester when everything was starting fresh and it was the Beginning..I would go into the building,Start panicking, I couldn’t catch my breath and i felt a feeling of being unsafe.I didn’t know how to explain it so I just burst out in tears and locked myself into the bathroom.
Every Sunday I sit and worry and stress about the week starting.I mean to the point that it’s not normal stress anymore.I tend to over think and worry and start making scenarios in my head and even if there’s no reason to panic and stress like that I manage to find a way to stress about something.So i’m a masochist with anxiety haha.I am also a perfectionist and when I feel that I can’t do something up to my standards I avoid it completely which causes me even more stress (Hence avoiding the problem will follow you and cause more stress) Or I will suffer psychologically until that day arrives that I have to do it.May that be an exam or a lesson I’ve been dreading.This feeling also causes me to skip certain lessons because the thought of attending them causes me to freak out and cry.Or if i find the braveness to go to that lecture ,During the whole hour my heart is pounding and my stomach is in knots.And after i’m done I feel adrenaline shooting through me like I’ve been riding the roller coaster and i was finally off it.
Basically having anxiety triggers depression for me and that’s whats causing me to not want to leave my bed in the morning and dealing with the world.
The strange thing is, Even though I have anxiety, I go through stages where I’m ok and brave and i’m very confident.Is it possible to be a strong person and have anxiety?
And is it possible to finally treat it and live a life without this pain and suffer?Can I just be a person with normal levels of stress?Can I be normal? Is it possible?
I am so tired psychically and emotionally. I deserve to be happy.And i want to get rid of this poison that’s been holding me back from everyday things in life.I turn down opportunities because of it, I cancel last minute and I prefer being alone most of the times.Because I feel that not a lot of people understand what it’s like to feel that way.And what it’s like to act like you’re ok when inside you’re screaming.
Don’t get me wrong, I get my good days.It just feels that i find it difficult to be happy and I am so jealous of the people that are naturally happy and relaxed. I wish I was more oblivious to my emotions and stress. I’m so aware of things that it’s causing me this anxiety.
I find that I am quite the confident woman, And i’m very brave and aware of my emotions and in my own ways i learn to deal with things.One of them is Singing. Music makes my brain stop for a while and that gives me some peace and a break from that over-thinking.
Whenever I am on stage I am a different person.Whenever I play the piano I forget about the world for a while and I get lost into the melody.And whenever I sing, I find the way to express my pain through that role/character and it gives me the feeling of relief.Which is why I prefer dramatic songs and roles.I think that’s connected to me being a Lyrico-Dramatic soprano 🙂 The voice type matches the emotional stage of the person.
I hope this helps other people that are going through similar things,,And just to show that it’s ok to feel that way sometimes.Artists especially are strange beings and we think and feel differently.And we tend to be a bit more eccentric and emotional.Otherwise we wouldn’t be artists …Like one of my vocal mentors said to me..”You can’t be a performer without the emotions,And I think being normal is too boring,It’s more colorful to be emotional and sensitive in the world of music and art”.